6 Months Sober and “the thing”…

WHAAAAT? Today actually snuck up on me. I happened to look at the date and then counted backwards to November and realized I am 6 months sober today.

As a “chronic relapser” (I despise that term, by the way, but the truth hurts sometimes and acceptance is the answer!), I tend to let milestones go by the wayside. Not sure why….yes I am…guilt, shame, embarrassment, just to name a few. I catch myself buying into negative self-talk, such as:

  • It SHOULD be 4 ½ years sober, if you wouldn’t have screwed up.
  • For that matter, you would have almost 6 years sober if you hadn’t been stupid in January of 2011.
  • Look at all the devastation and destruction you caused by not staying sober after going to treatment in 1996.

But NOT TODAY! Today, I am simply grateful. My old sponsor often said, “I’ve never known anyone to go back out when they had an attitude of gratitude.”

I am grateful that I am God’s perfectly IMPERFECT child. He made me exactly the way He wanted me, blemishes and all. I know this to be true because “Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.” Man, oh, man, do I have to chew on that statement lots of times to get it down without choking!

I am grateful for simply being alive. That last relapse really did a tap dance (more of an Irish Jig) on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I hope to NEVER forget the first days and weeks after putting the plug in the jug. It reminds me of what a blessing life is and how quickly I can screw it up if I unplug the jug again.

Before I woke hubby up this morning, I took Joe outside. It was 4 a.m., but the birds were chirping softly and I could hear the baby leaves on trees rustling in a light, chilly Minnesota morning breeze. I said my prayers as Joe was doing his “business”. I suck at meditation. It’s this rambling mind of mine….but this morning I felt a sense of calm. The chirping birdies and rustling leaves seemed to be playing a peaceful song to me. What a gift for the brain that is usually so jumbled with shooting thoughts it struggles to get through a silent prayer! I was able to pray, meditate and just BE. It was amazing! I didn’t want to come back inside, but alas…I had to say good-bye to whatever this new found state of being is and resume life.

After getting hubby on the road, I was going to go back to sleep. “Hmmm…maybe I should take Joe back outside and see if that thing happens again.” Thinking it was probably just a fluke and certainly wouldn’t happen again, especially not with 2 cups of coffee in my system, I summoned the big, black “Fuzzy Butt” and we went out the back door. The THING happened again! Calm, peaceful, able to focus on thoughts…”Whoa! This is awesome!”, I thought. I vaguely remember feeling the thing in the past. It’s been so long since I felt it that this morning it felt brand new again. Joe even came over to me and gave me a “something is different” look. Now, if “Fuzzy Butt” notices and approves, it’s gotta’ be special.

Gratitude…I found the thing again. Dare I call it by name? Shhhh…..I will whisper it so as to not chase it away…serenity. It’s here…it’s in me…it’s awesome. Welcome back.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

4 thoughts on “6 Months Sober and “the thing”…

  1. Congratulations! It took me six years to start down the path that has lead to (currently) 31 years. Don’t quit before the miracle. My miracle is that now, after all that time of fighting it, I actually want it. It can happen for you, too.

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  2. Congrats. I found my path 11/24/1976. But I have spent years dry and without knowing myself. I think that is the heart of this thing called addiction–not knowing and accepting ourselves. Your path is unique for you and it is the way it is supposed to be. I’ve seen many people help others who have a similar path. Be gentle with yourself. Thank you for sharing your story. Serenity was the 1st thing I went after because without peace, we continue to live in the chaos.

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