Surrender to Win?

Hey y’all. I found this little gem in the depths of my old blog and thought I would kick off the new one with it because surrendering is something I have to do to have any type of serenity. With a dual diagnoses of addiction and mental illness it is easy for me to slip out of surrender mode and into FIGHT mode. When that happens, I get tired. When I get tired, I get sloppy. When I get sloppy, I lose the fight. Never fails. So you see, surrender is something I HAVE to do, every day, many times a day, to keep on track. Work in progress….

Hmmm…. surrender can be a very complex and heavy subject…. if “I” let it be. It’s quite a paradox in my sobriety, because I now know that I must “surrender to win” .

Now, coming from a military family, having served in the military and being close to a FANATIC about U.S. History…. “surrendering to win” makes no sense, goes against the grain of every successful battle plan and is the most asinine, ignoramus strategy that a military mind could ever conceive!! BUT….. when it was explained to me (over, and over, and over AND over again) in the realm of recovery, God intervened and helped soften that extremely HARD melon of mine so the concept could start sinking in. Here’s the jist of it…..

I had to give up on self-will and let my Higher Power (God) start calling the shots. Selfishness, self-centeredness and self-will were the taproots of my destructive behavior. I had been convinced that I was in control and the things I was controlling were “okay” and by the time I realized things were NOT “okay”, devastation was upon me. I had to surrender my will AND my life over to the care of God… EVERYTHING…not just the things I thought were out of control…. EVERY aspect of my life had to be surrendered. I mean, if you surrender as a prisoner of war, you don’t get to put conditions on it, do you? You don’t get to say… “OK, I surrender…. but only from 9-5, normal duty hours, then I’d like to go back to base camp, where I can kick it with my buddies. Then I promise to report back here and be your prisoner tomorrow at 0900 hrs.” No!! That’s not how it works. And, I was a prisoner of war, so to speak. That vodka bottle had me in its grips and I had no escape route. No way out. I was on lock down 24/7 and it was torture. (please do not take this as disrespect to our troops, as I in NO WAY put myself in the same category with them) And the simple fact was, EVERY aspect of my life WAS out of control. My physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health were bankrupt…. TOTALLY bankrupt. ALL of my relationships were in the pooper. Friendships…gone. Family…fed up. Intimate relationship…non-existant. Yes, life was OUT OF CONTROL!!

So, surrender was my only option. My last option. And now I understand that surrender, in this sense, implies enlightenment, not defeat. I could only surrender through courage, because my fear would never allow me to surrender. Once I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood Him , amazing things began to happen in my life. This cause-and-effect relationship between surrender and victory over life’s demons and challenges is what keeps me working the AA program and holding on to the promises that more will be revealed. (this paragraph was paraphrased a bit from the book “Undrunk” by A.J. Adams)

Today, I surrender every morning. I am constantly “surrendering” . It’s a very freeing feeling to surrender my troubles and let God’s will guide me to the solutions. And soooo…. what was once a complex and heavy subject for me, is now very simple and light!! And for this, I am so very grateful!! If God is your co-pilot, your sitting in the wrong seat!! (sorry, just had to throw that in there) :0)

And there you have it. Surrender, AND WIN!

What a life.


Howdy to Your Face!

Well, here I am. Back in the blogger seat again. For those of you that gently (or not so gently) nudged and encouraged me to start writing again, I thank you…I think. For those of you that are just popping in to see what all the hub bub is about…hang on to your hats because it’s going to be a wild ride.

Quick “About Me” (skip down if y’all know this stuff):  I am from the coast of North Carolina. Come from a military family and was an Air Traffic Controller in the Air Force. I have 3 beautiful daughters and am married to a wonderful man who often reminds me that I am a gift from God. I suffer from a number of mental illnesses and am a recovering alcoholic.

This blog is going to be a chronicle of my everyday life, dealing with mental illness, recovery from alcohol, being the parent of a 20 year old, a 16 year old or a 10 year old, or all 3, or a plethora of other things. Feel free to stop by anytime you want. Word of caution: During the month of March there will be constant talk of how awesome the UNC Tar Heels are and how awful the Duke Blue Devils are, regardless of how both teams are performing in the March Madness basketball tournament.

I have an almost overwhelming sense of gratitude as I sit here tonight:

  1. I was able to attend my favorite AA meeting with my “village” this morning.
  2. I went to lunch and there was great fellowship after the AA meeting. I felt that I was “a part of”.
  3. Spoke with one of my old sponsor and she gave me some great advice and a number of different things.

This recovery life can be a bumpy road, for sure. But when all is said and done, when I do the next right thing, it most certainly gets a lot easier.

Glad to have you aboard. Y’all come back now, ya’ hear?!